Behind this Smile
Since March I haven't wrote a blog or recorded a podcast. I was bogged down with school, work, and my mental. For a month I remember I didn't even post on my Instagram page. I was consumed with what looks good enough, and I kept re-branding my page, where I had enough of it all. I literally had enough with everything, and would have break downs about my life as if everything is falling apart. Every quote I would post was for my personal life, and still is, but to fight through my dark thoughts that's what kept and keeps me focus. People would ask where is your blog, and whats going on, and all I could say is A LOT. I couldn't open up about everything just yet, I still felt I couldn't write because of the busy schedule I was faced with. Anxiety took me by storm and sprinkled with feeling depressed, and what I appeared to people, wasn't always the case. I smile and laugh often, but sometimes that smile had pain behind it. For instance, I had several mornings where I couldn't move out of bed or have energy to do simple task. I complained about my car, and kept questioning why this and that. Writing this is not easy because I still like to have privacy, but this right here, is therapy.
Moving through the months I started to feel better, but still had my days, and boom something else happens. I went to the doctor for a regular physical, and then a week later had bad results. I was faced with a waiting game to do more test, just to see what was wrong. To wait brings patience, trust, and diligence. I prayed and asked God what was happening, and to equip me with more trust in Him, and to not worry. Though, I am human, I still kept thinking about the worst case. Finally, the day came and the doctor gave me good news. As for my health I still have multiple problems, but I look at it as, how am I going to change things for the better.
I say all this to focus on the fact that yes I struggle with my mental, life, and productivity because I am human. I had to realize I don't have to be happy everyday, but I can change my thinking to veer to positive thoughts. I can change my lifestyle to be healthier, and start to feel better physically and mentally. Everything is about changing , and in life we are forever changing, we even change with seasons.
As for my contentment with my life, I am genuinely happy with the many blessings God has graced me with. I believe my next step is continuing my process of bettering my mental health, and taking the time to understand myself even more.
Lastly, I don't like to appear as a fake, always positive blogger, and only showcase the good. I personally want to share the real and to share the ugly moments as well as the good.
I appreciate every person who has supported me, and kept up with me to make sure I was staying to my true self. Please keep me in my prayers while I am on this journey, and I will not stop writing I promise!
I appreciate every person who has supported me, and kept up with me to make sure I was staying to my true self. Please keep me in my prayers while I am on this journey, and I will not stop writing I promise!
Comments
Post a Comment